This was written few weeks ago, completely inspired based on my true feelings raised from the events.
Raw. Honest. And Straight off the cuff. There is so much focus with today’s published work, to only present A version that we want people to SEE. So, even our writing feels scripted, edited, rewritten, almost to perfection – based to what we want others to think of it, or of us. Living Authentically isn’t just focused on seeing the positivity, spreading “Love & Light”. Yes, that is a part of it. But, it is acknowledging the WHOLE of us. Of me. The Dark and the Light.
It is about Being True to Myself. Exposing all parts, that I do Like and Don’t. It’s to be Honest. And not to censor my truth, I am not here for the likes, attention, or to be desired. I am here to set myself Free…and if you can relate, see yourself in my story,
then so can You…
Story Time…
Alex and I came to Tulum with the intention to have a new, different lifestyle, something different to what we had already known from back home. However we faced that in order to enjoy and make the most out of the things/places that already exists in Tulum and offers; which is either catered to an audience, who practices Spirituality, and falls under the category of doing ceremonies, yoga, rituals etc etc…or going to these crazed frenzy Instagrammable hotspots. Which looked like a complete takeover from influencers from around the world, coming here to just take the pictures, pay extortionate prices at beach clubs and leave.
So, we refused to get involved with the latter option. Mostly because we didn’t want to be wasting money and feel the need to jam pack it in all in a day, and get it all done. A gradual process as most places here are catered to those on holiday, as a result charging higher prices. We’ve living here indefinitely, therefore need to be on some sort of a budget. However low key, we were judging. Already a preconception of how it would be, look like and feel.
This was brought to light when we went to have our first “Insta Day Out” but – what does that even mean?
Before even starting the day, I had subconsciously already set the foundation of it. Associating with old, resentful feelings towards to the day being superficial, fake, and shallow.
Going into auto pilot of what to “expect” – having visualisations of seeing young, beautiful, glamorous insta models strutting around, taking pictures, feeling validated and worthy when taking these beautiful shots. And then having to be my turn. What was I going to show up as? I didnt feel comfortable to show up as my natural self. Again, I betrayed her. Me. Roxana.
I slapped on the heavy Make up, slipped into my Roxy hot girl avatar and entered the world. This armour I felt safe with. Knowing that version of me was accepted, wanted, and desired. As a result, subconsciously, this egotistical version of me reappeared. I didnt even realise until I was actually observing myself once my boyfriend brought me back to reality with his comment saying “you sound like a prostitutue” Woi. Why did he say that?
I analysed right then and there, I was slipping into my comfort zone of acting, overcompensating to be sexy as soon as I saw he was paying me a compliment…the camera was on me…attention was on me…I was put on a spotlight and my natural instinct was to say “oooo you like what you seee”. Eurgh. Gross. *CRINGE*
My natural instincts of survival of being in these sort of places and to feel accepted, was to Pretend. To be this “Hot Chick” whilst not even feeling like it. The armour protected me but at the cost of making others feel inferior, to see me through their lens of putting me on a pedestal of beauty.
I was acting. Therefore, I entered the place acting, with my over the top make up, glamorous set of clothes intentionally chosen to be worn at this particular place, to be Seen. Because I knew and felt deep down, just me alone, bare face, natural Roxy is not enough. And the thought, the pure idea of that alone would have cut me so deep. To accept.
It’s easier to allow my fake avatar to be rejected than the real Roxy.
So that alone, set the tone for the day and it showed. It’s funny looking back at this, it’s literally just slipping right into past behaviours, back into subconscious mind that does such a great job of wanting to protect us and stick to what’s familiar. And it was such a weird day IN GENERAL.
We arrived at Sfer IK, and it literally felt like it lived up this fake instagramable vision I had in mind. Properly took away from it being this beautiful artistic place – a place like I haven’t experienced before. Where Art meets Nature and Technology, so beautifully intwined. However, I felt more focused on taking the pics lol lowkey pretending that I’m not. But I know that’s my main focus. I spent this long getting ready aswell taking time to put my outfit together, it better be worth it. Getting frustrated at my boyfriend for not wanting to participate, Why is he not getting involved and taking the natural pictures I want? Why must I make it so obvious that is all I want? But why do I even want them?! That’s not why I came there, to post it for the gram. I barely even post online. And that’s definitely not the version I want to be portraying so W-H-Y do I still do it. Every time I go to these particular beautiful spots, especially when abroad – it’s like your moment to get right or, never.
Everyone comes to these beautiful idealyic dreamy, instagrammy places for this one intention in mind.
Take the best pic of it.
To stand out.
Yours out of the MANY 10000000s who come here. What is so special about your picture?
SUCH a wild concept and phenomena as I think about it right now whilst typing. Such a sad reality. But this is our reality today isn’t it.
Competition.
I was on edge, conscious, not wanting to look at all pics because I was afraid of what I would see. First time, taking pictures when I don’t look the full version of “sexy, sassy Roxy”. And a big part that completes that look was my fake hair.
I felt and looked awkward. rigid. stupid. off balance. conscious. (As I’m uploading pictures up for this post, I realise I had already deleted all the super uncomfortable pictures that I didn’t like of myself.) Way too many things running through my mind to actually be present. Worrying about what my boyfriend thought, does he think I’m superficial, fake? Basically, it wasn’t a pleasant experience. And the whole experience of actually being there felt as hallow as it sounds. You could see also other instagrammers just there, walking around in this open space, also only taking beautiful pics and then leaving. FAKE FAKE FAKE.
I left feeling ashamed and embarrassed. But faking it away by carrying on. Went to next location. What a sell out. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!!!!?!!?!?!!!!!!!
I have no idea and probably can’t even remember what me and my boyfriend even spoke about. The vibe and energy was different between us too. Not the usual us – light, laughing, bouncy, not taking ourselves toooo seriously. But I felt like we were. We were on a mission.
Had to get to the next place. “Ahau sculpture” – right. Okay, hopefully this place will be better. And actually start to enjoy the day. Arriving at what would looked like a beach club. Fine. I can deal with this.
But to realise, we were told to go to a little further down from the entrance…TO A QUEUE?!! A queue for what….the horror on my face. My worst nightmare, the very thing I despised and took the complete piss out – the scenario where I had most judgement on and laughed at the pure thought of it was not only in front of me…BUT I, TOO, WAS DOING THE SAME THING!!!!!
The actual sculpture was sectioned off to a side…just to allow instagrammers to come by and take their photo shoot. People were literally just LINING UP for this to be their activity of the day. Lined up like pretty little robots for a 5 minute photoshoot, to post up on instagram to feel good, by looking good, to show off on their page, to prove that they were there!!!! ahhhhhhhhhh!!!! I wanted to scream the whole house down. WHERE THE FUCK AM I AND MORE SO, WHY THE FUCK AM I!!!! AND YET, I AM STILL IN THE LINE THAT I PAID $3 DOLLARS FOR TO DO THE SAME!!!!!
But why was I truly angry? And why did I just realise this now? Throughout my adolescent of growing up to be a woman, I’ve done this but this time, I was faced with the shadow self that I could no longer hide. The part and side of me I was secretly and deeply ashamed of. All facing me right then and there, and I was seeing it for what it was.
I, too am and was this person. So quick to judge others and take the piss but literally doing the same thing. And all this time, I felt resentful to pretty, instagrammers is because I, too was doing the same – for those same exact reasons and feelings. And for long, I was avoiding these places because I just didn’t want to feel and acknowledge all of this.
I felt disgusted in myself. To be a sell out. To be doing the very thing I didn’t want to be. What a shit day I created for myself. All in my head and missed out on the beauty of it. The Art.
Why does it have to be about me? It’s always was meant to be about the art. I’m in paradise so WHY am I not acting like I am?
Instead, we acted like it was part of a chore, a necessary thing to be done and get over with. We went to opposite side to have a drink and some food. And I was angry, and started projecting onto my beautiful partner who was already having a hard day. Annoyed at him being off with me but not realising this was all within me. I just wanted to get this day done and over with so I could no longer think about what a shitty, weird day I had created for myself.
However, weirdly, the best part of the day was When in the moment, we changed the narrative and tone of it. As part of taking the “photoshoot”, in one spot – I said to myself “FUCK IT. Make the most of this weird experience you’re currently encountering and do something “silly” So whilst my boyfriend was posing I told him to take a silly, and do different ones.
Straight away, it took away all the seriousness. And we relaxed back into ourselves…and laughed. Making the most out of it and created a memory that actually stood out.Â
What I took away from this was, in any given moment – we CAN change the narrative of our story. And make it Different.
So here, I am – challenging myself to go into the places that I associate with a bad memory, feeling, experience, narrative and changing it.
Part of Tulum’s beauty are all these kind of places, and yes. We don’t have to be hanging around these spots on a daily basis as we seek for fulfilment in other ways but we can create that space to feel comfortable to be there, just as we are, the way we are. Without feeling the need to do more, less, or to live up to any standards/expectations. Whether its mine, yours, or the “Tuluminatis”.
Challenge Accepted…
So this time round, we’ll be going back again but changing the narrative: To not take ourselves TOO seriously or the environment around us. To fully embrace the day and make the most of it. To shine as our authentic selves and to Recreate our Story. Because Life is too short to not MAKE THE MOST OUT OF ANY GIVEN MOMENT!!!!
Next Blog Post will be the follow up of this and see what solutions I come up with 🙂